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May 9, 2009

So, I went to see Crank: High Voltage recently. It's gloriously dumb and over the top, like they got a bunch of male tenage ADD sufferers off their ritalin and asked them to brainstorm scenes they'd like to see in an action film, and then filmed the suggestions in the order they were made. Ideal post-pub viewing but Jan would hate it.

Of course, they leave it open for another sequel at the end but I wasn't sure how you'd go about topping that or what the premise would be. So I had a little think to see if I could come up with some suggestions for further instalments in the franchise.

Crank: End of the Line
Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) has had his kidney stolen by an alcoholic mafia don (oh I dunno, Michael Ironside) and is set to work in a telesales call centre where his dialysis machine stops working after 20 minutes without him making a sale. Chev must keep selling advertising space in iffy trade mags until he wins the salesman of the month award, which is a new kidney.

Crank: Piece of Cake
Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) is enjoying cohabiting bliss with Eve (Amy Smart) until one day she goes out to work and asks him to clean up the house. However, Chev has just eaten a large batch of "magic brownies". Chev must get all the chores done before the brownies make him incapable of doing anything except fucking around on his Xbox, on pain of an argument when Eve gets home.

Crank: Brown Noise
Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) is injected with a powerful experimental laxative by a neo-nazi gang whose leader (John Malkovich - I'm sure he'd be up for appearing in a Crank film) is after Chev's girlfriend, Eve (Amy Smart). Chev must battle his way to the antidote without pappering his kecks in the process, finding toilets where he can and maybe eating a bunch of eggs or something.

Carry on Cranking
Sid Chelios (Sid James) has been injected by a corrupt doctor (Kenneth Williams) with a powerful priapism-inducing drug which will shut down his nervous system if he goes ten minutes without slapping the back of his head and going "Phwoar!" Together with his full-body-tourette's-suffering sidekick Venus (Jack Douglas) he must battle his way back to his girlfriend Eve (Joan Sims) for a spot of tiffin, whilst avoiding jealous wrestler Gripper (Bernard Bresslaw) and ogling scantily-clad dolly birds along the way.

Any more for any more?

Posted by Jonah at May 9, 2009 7:47 AM


Me hate Crank? Are youse calling us a poof or summat?
Crank was cheerfully stupid high-octane larks just like the Transporter films and Mr Statham should be commended for his services to oiled-up paggery.
Just because I also rate ponderous relationship drama-type things, some of which are even in forrin!

You may remember my two penn'orth:

Crank: Wank
Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) must manipulate himself furiously for 90 minutes or his cock'll explode. May involve motor oil.


Crank: Laughing all the Bank
A bewigged Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) ploughs through cinemas elbowing voyeuristic beery young men in the back of the head whilst snarling 'cunt' and relieving them of their sponds. They are grateful.

not forgetting:

After Eve (Amy Smart) endures a brutal toiletless 27-hour-flight in an iron maiden from Malaga via Ulan Bator, Chev Stelios (Jason Statham) takes on the Ryanair mob armed only with 50,000 gallons of orange paint. Which he proceeds to roll around in.

Posted by: Jan at May 10, 2009 11:12 AM

All the Way to the Bank, even

Posted by: Jan at May 10, 2009 1:15 PM

All the Way to the Bank, even

Posted by: Jan at May 10, 2009 1:15 PM

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