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May 17, 2004

Dadhouse artistes

I presume we've all heard of "Dadrock", the kind of music (e.g. Clapton, the Stones, Springsteen, Oasis) adored and appreciated by middle-aged blokes harking back to their heady youths. Well, now that it's 2004 and both my generation and dance music are getting a little, shall we say, long in the tooth, I think it's time to compile the top ten perpetrators of Dadrock's electronic equivalent: Dadhouse.

Dadhouse acts can be identified by a number of shared characteristics:

  • They are not necessarily house in the purist sense, in the same way that a lot of dadrock is actually blues, not rock
  • They have been performing for at least ten years
  • Many are just a little bit po-faced
  • They are considered influential and are lauded by critics and thirtysomething ex-ravers
  • At least one of their albums has been the CD de rigeur to play at dinner parties in fucking Islington at some point

So, here's my Top Ten Dadhouse Artistes:

  1. Moby
    Slap-headed car salesman Moby is the epitome of dadhouse. Humourless, past-it and so far up himself it's getting difficult to see his shoulders, he's been banging out dirgelike tripe since at least the mid-nineties now and people still don't seem to recognise that Play is simply a barrel of insipid pig's guts.
  2. The Chemical Brothers
    Is there any cunt who doesn't have a copy of Dig your Own Hole? Really, even if you think you don't, check your collection and I bet you'll find a copy knocking around in draw or something. Another act showing distinct signs of rectal autoconsumption, the Chemical Brothers have been on a downward musical streak since Surrender, and yet they still get the likes of Michael Gondry doing videos for them! Still, when somebody as cheesy as MC Pitman can take the piss out of your fans, you know you've got problems.
  3. The Orb
    How long is it since The Orb, inventors of ambient (if you pretend Brian Eno never existed), actally released something half-listenable? Feted at the turn of the 90s for their innovation, The Orb soon descended into the same creative constipatory trap that ensnared progressive rock with offerings such as the widdlywiddly Pomme Fritz, the musical equivalent of watching them play chess on Top of the fucking Pops only less of a white-knuckle thrill.
  4. Leftfield
    Leftfield released the other ubiquitous album of the nineties: Leftism, the sharkmouth cover of which can be seen in record collections all across the land. They then went on to prove the real level of their credibility by providing the soundtrack to a pretentious fucking Guinness advert. Bill Hicks had it right about that sort of shenanigan.
  5. New Order
    The granddaddy pioneers of indie dance music, New Order are adored by just about any aging dance music afficionado you care to ask, which is possibly why every cunt and his shiteing dog is using Blue Monday in mashups these days. In a way the most dadhouse act on the list if you only count the positive aspects of the [entry terminated due to imminent use of the phrase "meta-genre" ETOOCUNTY]
  6. Fatboy Slim
    Arse-faced ex-housemartin Norman Cook's Big Beat stylings have given him chart success since You've Come a Long Way, Baby (although some tossers will have a copy of Better Living Through Chemistry knocking around so that they can "prove" they liked him "before he was on Top of the Pops"). I have actually seen dads dancing at weddings to his music. Case closed.
  7. Orbital
    A favourite of the more muso-inclined dance music fan, the Hartnoll brothers have taken a slightly more "indie" approach to promoting their music than some of the other acts on this list but nonetheless remain firmly dadhouse. Their recent announcement of retirement means that currently thirtysomething dance music twats will get to wax nostalgic about them for some decades to come. Nice move, lads.
  8. William Orbit
    This craven fucking schill could barely wait to start whoring his talent around, showing early signs of this by producing Harry Enfield's execrable Loadsamoney - Doin' up the house. He then went on to knock out the Strange Cargo series which enjoyed a fair degree of critical and commercial success. However, Orbit's spreadeagle tendencies soon reasserted themselves. He began by doing tunes for Madonna but like any natural crack-fiend with a gateway, he soon moved on to production for the likes of All Saints and even fucking Pink, for christ's sake - the musical equivalent of giving out 5 quid blowjobs behind a skip.
  9. Underworld
    Underworld have been knocking out the kind of dance music that gets described as "seminal" since the mid-nineties. Aging electronica bores love to bang on about Dubnobasswithmyheadman and after Trainspotting you could barely move for people waving copies of Beaucoup Fish around.
  10. The KLF
    Self-proclaimed inventors of "Stadium House", the KLF are possibly the only act in this line-up who are intentionally Dadhouse. The KLF appear at the bottom of the top ten because they score abysmally in the "po-faced" criterion. Still, their music was way better than any of their lame-arsed "art-terrorist' pranks. They might as wll be that cunt Aaron Barschak for all the laughs they solicit and as for that fucking dreadful Blacksmoke Rising EP ...

Next time: Top Ten Dad-Hop artistes featuring the Beastie Boys and Massive Attack!

Posted by Jonah at 3:41 PM | Comments (4)

May 4, 2004

Ken McLeod: Midnight Fathers

This is just beautiful ...

Posted by Jonah at 3:36 PM