Sun-Earther

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Homebase hell

November 19, 2003

I've just been through my second weekend in a row spent in DIY stores like B&Q and Homebase, trying to get some semblance of a basic infrastructure for my new house. You know, like a front door and crap like that. Her inside of the doors loves it, having decorated vicariously through drivel like Home Front and Changing Rooms for years now, but I cannot stand doing this shit.

It's not just the hollow tinny muzak or the coin-eyed aspirationals (who actually go there for "fun" to browse) that fill these places, it's also the whole sheer pain in the arse that DIY and DIY shopping entails. It's like playing consumerist-porn-hentai-game The Sims without any of the instant gratification but with knackered clothing, splinters under your fingernails, grouting and a skip.

Of course, I don't get to do any of the easy stuff like painting. Oh no, I have to lug fucking great chunks of rubble and detritus from the back garden to the skip. I knew I shouldn't have joined that gym. Goddammit.

There's shedloads more to do. Heh - to think we were planning to be in by the 24th - how laughably naive.

On a slightly macabre note, some of the rubble I'm moving comes from a massive stone fire surround that we had broken up and dumped out back. On inspection of some of the chunks we saw some unidentified carving. We checked out some other chunks and it was then that we spotted the dates. Yes, our fire surround was made out of gravestones. Jonah's House: powered by the Souls of the Damned(tm)!

Still, one good thing is that when ripping up some rotten floorboards we found a massive void under the ground floor that means we'll be able to extend the cellar to the size of the other floors. An underground lair from which to plot world domination! Or at least somewhere to keep me bike, anyway. Let's just hope we don't find any corpses.

Posted by Jonah at November 19, 2003 11:58 AM