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Baby blues

July 14, 2003

So, this morning I had a session with the bereavement counsellor. Bloody stupid idea to do it at 9am on a monday morning really, and the jackhammer hangover didn't help much. Still, at least I was dressed and upright when she turned up.

It was really helpful to finally let on to someone about my guilt over the way I felt about Nye during the early stages of the pregnancy. I know nothing I did or didn't feel at the time could have made any difference but you still beat yourself up. Well, I do anyway.

It's like I said at Nye's funeral: he changed the way that both Cresley and I saw a lot of the major issues in life and I think that'll always be his legacy. One of the things that Jan (the counsellor) said to me was that maybe that's why Nye was conceived: his purpose was to bring me round to the idea of having kids.

I found that a little strange. As an atheist I find it very difficult to see a divine purpose for people's existence (although I can see how it can be a comfort to the religious) but even setting that aside what a price to pay for a simple change of attitude! The fact is that Nye didn't change my outlook by dying, he changed it by living, by simply being. There are no reasons for the way things work out in your life: things just happen through chance and the nearest thing we have to a reason is plain luck, bad or dumb.

Still, I don't mean to disrespect Jan: she's very helpful, damn good at what she does and makes a lot of sense. I just didn't get as much comfort from looking for a reason or purpose behind this as someone with a less bleak spiritual outlook might.

I miss you, little feller.

Posted by Jonah at July 14, 2003 11:02 AM