It has been said that Robbie Williams is the "funny one" from the early nineties homoerotic cuntathon that was Take That.

Funny? Funny how? You think he's here to amuse you?

No, actually I don't. I think he's here to make our lives a fucking misery with his inane, childlike music, his oh so wacky antics and his annoying-to-the-point-of-throwing-your-TV-out-of-the-window face.

Let's get one thing straight. The first comment that critics of Robbie williams get is that They're jealous. Well, let me put it officially on the record. I AM NOT JEALOUS OF HIM. If I were jealous of that performing monkey, I would simply kill myself. In public. In fact, while we're on the subject, I'd have live TV coverage available on all terrestrial channels, presented by Gary Lineker with live commentary from John Motson and Trevor Brooking. Highlights would be shown later that night for those who spent the entire day trying to avoid the result, only to turn on the TV to catch the last bit of the news saying "I took his remains away in a freezer bag to feed to the lions at London Zoo."

Anyway, I digress just a little. Why do I hate him so much? What makes Robbie Williams a Celebrity Cunt?

Simple. Williams is the most talentless fuckwit ever to grace the face of this planet. In an ideal world, people of his ilk would be put on an island without food and left to crack each other's skulls and feed on the goo within. However, in this world, he is rewarded with fabulous riches, a trail of gorgeous women as long as the M62 and enough fame and publicity to fill the Mariana Trench 100 times over.

He doesn't deserve this; he deserves to be beaten to a bloody pulp by the Ben Sherman clad idiots who can be seen belting out his "hits" at the tops of their voices in any popular music pub in the land. His music lies somewhere in between Chas N Dave featuring the Matchroom Mob (at least that had comedy value) and the bloke who used to live with the guy who once kissed the girl who came 9th in "Fame Academy".

Despite clearly being one of the biggest cunts to walk the earth, there is no concept of modesty or humility within the empty space that passes for Williams' brain. Every picture has that same, smug grin that says, "I'm better than you"; his self-publicity knows no bounds. You can't open a magazine without reading about "Robbie's Drugs Hell" or "Robbie is heartbroken" or "Robbie falls off the wagon". Personally, I'd be happy to read that last headline, but only if the sub-header was "and lands right underneath a 15 ton truck, which pops his head like a laser beam bursting a bubble".

This man is, in my humble opinion, a king cunt. M'Lud, I rest my case.
- SM

Keywords:

boy band / angels / kareoke / snide Bond / serial shagger / only takes a minute, girl