The Celebrity Cunt Database

Jeffrey Archer

Jeffrey Archer picture.

Smugness: 10
Primadonna: 5
Undue Adulation: 6
Offensive Opinions: 7
Hypocrisy: 9
Apalling Acts: 6

Overall Score: 43
Celebrity Cunt Rating: An Utter, Utter Cunt


Jeffrey Archer. Lord Jeffrey Archer. He must surely be the premier celebrity cunt active in Britain today. Just stop for a second take a look at his face. Can you imagine anybody looking smugger than that? Not Chris Tarrant, not AA Gill not even George W. Bush could be that smug. Archer is so smug that there was serious discussion at the C.C.D.B. about allowing a smugness rating of 11 just for him. However, let's not condemn this man as a cunt for his spectacular smugness alone, let's look at the evidence.

Jeffrey Archer is a chronically dishonset conniving little bastard. Described by Ringo Starr as "the kind of bloke who would bottle your piss and sell it", Archer has lied and cheated his way throughout his career and yet always seems to come up smelling of roses.

Take the example of Archer's education. He often claimed to have been educated at the prestigious toff-school Wellington College in Berkshire when in fact he was never there. Archer claimed to be an Oxford graduate when in fact he only signed up for a one-year teacher training course. In order to get onto the course his CV claimed that he had three A-Level qualifications (when in fact he only had three O-Levels) and that he graduated from an American University that turned out not to exist. And this little lot is before he even got started!

The errant soon-to-be-ex-Lord seemed to have a penchant for expense fiddling in his early days. He was accused of making fraudulent claims for himself at the United Nations Association and offering to for others at the GLC for a cut of the action. Archer threatened to sue over the latter allegations but decided not to when it turned out that 24 GLC colleagues were prepared to confirm that he did offer to do just that. Neither allegation affected his election to the House of Commons or his subsequent elevation to Conservative Party Chairman. No wonder he looks smug.

Shortly afterwards, however, a couple of tabloid newspapers broke and pursued a story of how Archer had screwed hooker Monica Coghlan and then tried to buy her silence. He successfully sued for libel, winning half a million quid. It later turned out that he had had a friend provide a false alibi and had his secretary fill out a second, false diary to support it, but not before he had been given a peerage, becoming Lord Archer. Monica Coghlan was later killed in a tragic car accident.

In 1994 he was investigated for insider dealing. The investigation came about when he allegedly bought a shedload of Anglia shares just before it was announced that the company was about to be taken over and sold them afterwards for over £70 grand profit. Archer's wife Mary was a director of Anglia TV at the time. No charges were brought against him.

In 1999, Archer won the Tory candidacy for the Mayor of London, and was described by the then-Tory leader, William Hague as a man of the "utmost probity and integrity". When interviewed that year about the media furore over his libel trial, Archer is reported to have said "I'd go through that every week rather than lose a leg. If you're innocent and have nothing to hide, I'll take it every week, thanks." Fittingly, it was just at this point that the evidence of Archer's duplicity during his earlier libel trial came to light and he was tried and (shock!) actually convicted for perjury. It finally seemed that the teflon peer's luck had finally run out.

However, any such judgement soon proved to be unfounded when it transpired that Lord Archer was put in a minimum security open facility from which he was allowed to pop home on the weekends! He got into a minor bit of bother at one point for attending a dinner party bash thrown by Gillian Shephard. He took the opportunity of his prison sentence to write prison diaries from which it is estimated he could make between £200,000 and £300,000!

Yes, Jeffrey Archer is a true celebrity cunt, not because of his politics but because of his serial mendacity (which remains largely unpunished to this very day), his incredibly smug, "I'm untouchable" demeanor, the continuing adulation he affords from deluded 80s-bound tories who refuse to believe that their erstwhile golden boy is and honest, innocent man, and his utter hypocrisy in presenting himself as just that when he is anything but.


shit novels / piss-poor plays / expense-fiddling / insider trading / prostitute payments / liar / diary-forgery / prison